Those of you who have been following my blog know that a large part of my trip to Europe was to take my grandmother’s ashes home to Germany. To take her home one last time. I needed to do this to say goodbye. For two years before that I closed myself off from others, from my own feelings and from the people that I love to a rather large degree.

Travelling helped me find myself, find some semblance of closure and my subsequent trip to Thailand has changed the way I think and feel about myself and gave me a renewed sense of love for those around me. I took the traits of kindness, compassion, mercy and love to heart and now try to live like that everyday. I am now the person I used to be, the person I wanted to be again.

For as much as I gained by leaving I also lost something special the moment I decided to go. I lost my significant other, my best friend, my love. In order to get myself right and do the things I needed to do to be me again I ignored the issues we had and was of the mentality that when I got back and was better we would work everything out. Well, I got back from my trip and she moved out. She felt abandoned and alone and I can’t blame her for that. I mentally and emotionally could not be there for her before this, because of the grief I felt. It was not healthy for me, it was not healthy for her. When I got home, it was too late.

I don’t regret many things in life however this is one of them. My inability to feel in turn caused her undue stress and pain. I didn’t know how to deal with it even though some part of me knew I had to. The problem was that I was so focused on my own thoughts and my own stresses and my own hardships that I didn’t take hers into consideration. I waved them off as small details. They were the details that mattered most and I ignored them.

We have been apart for over 6 months and she is with someone else now. I’m not bitter or angry about it because I want her to be happy, I want her to live the life she’s meant for. If it includes me in even some small way then I am a better person for having at least that.

The reason I am telling you guys all of this and the reason I’m talking about it at all is simple. Should you decide to travel, for whatever reason, make sure you are aware of the things you could lose when you are gone. Whether those are friends, family, spouses, a great job or whatever else you leave behind to live your life how you want it. I took the fact that she would be there when I got back from Europe for granted and that is my burden to bare. I have to own it and understand it. It’s not something I want to have to happen a second time.

We all have to be aware of the consequences of our actions, life goals, aspirations, and dreams. Many times our wants and needs can affect others negatively. On the other hand, people have to do what makes them happy. It’s balancing act that can have multiple outcomes, just make sure it’s the right outcome for you, too.

Disclaimer : To those that may read this that know her and know me, I ask that you keep it to yourself. We aren’t linked by social media anymore and she doesn’t need to know that I wrote all of this. It’s part of my process and helped to explain my point from a personal stand point. Thank you in advance for your understanding in this matter.